The Most Unloving Act You Are Doing And How To Change IT!

Do you love them enough to make this mInd switch?

Sometimes our thinking patterns make perfect sense to us..... that is until we hear it put a completely different way. We may just need a mind switch to change what's not working.
Take for example our enabling behaviors. Let's define an enabler: A person who is doing things for others that they should be doing for themselves. It is when the "doing" continues, yet you no longer want to be doing these things. (Others enable by staying silent) A person who is contributing to removing natural consequences.

There is a full spectrum of enabling. We are all on the spectrum somewhere or with someone. Many of us rein it in quicker than others while others spend a lifetime unable to make the brain switch and go through the pain themselves to make it stop. Some lessons are quicker to learn than others. It can be situational. You can be tough as nails in some areas and completely the opposite in other areas of your life!

If we ask an enabler why they are doing what they are doing, they view it as "they need me, I'm helping them". "I don't want to see them fail, hurt, or suffer." They claim to be doing these things FOR the other person. They believe that they are helping someone to prevent failure of some kind. Some people just sit back and watch destructive actions of loved ones and just refuse to be a part of the solution. We are either a part of the solution or a part of the problem.

THE HARD TRUTH:
The opposite is true. If we switched their thinking it would look like this: You aren't doing this for them. You are doing this for YOU. What they need is to fail in order to succeed. YOU are preventing them from succeeding because you care more for yourself and the feelings you would experience watching them fail.  It's YOU who can't take the hurt you would need to endure in order to help them succeed. Do you care more about your own feelings than their success?

Now that's tough love on the enabler! I love tough love (when I'm the one giving it!)
When you think of it this way..... it's a game changer! If you know someone who is holding others back by doing for them what they should be doing for themselves in order to save themselves heartache, ask them to read this and see if they can make a brain switch and support them through doing hard things, the right thing. Or for that matter, ask someone to support you.
It's not easy to let someone you love fail so they can succeed (or to speak up and break the silence!)
A mindset I use that helps me take the hard, more loving path is "I'm glad they have this pain right now! They need this pain to learn quicker. They'll be so much better off for it! It helps me feel I'm doing the right thing by watching them suffer. It sounds CRAZY, I know! I chuckle about it to help me deflect from my own pain of not saving them again! It's like ripping a Band-Aid off. Either way, it will hurt. It needs to be either fast and hard or slow with prolonged pain!

If you are no longer doing something for others with a loving heart but are doing it with resentment, it has crossed over to enabling! It's no longer loving or helpful if the result is resentment. YOU are now preventing their success.
They will NEVER wake up and ask you to stop. It's up to you to make it stop. That in itself is the loving act.

Just A Few Examples:

• Being the homework police instead of teaching them to self monitor and face consequences
• Allowing young adults to live in your home without adult like responsibilities
• Doing too much for a friend
• Loaning money to people
• Being a "mother bear" and defending your child's actions
• Not requiring more of family members in order to teach responsibility
• Giving money to capable people
• Doing tasks for others instead of teaching them how to do it for themselves (therefor keeping them needy)
• Actions that support addictive behaviors (to save them consequences)

Talk to a trusted friend to help you see if your thinking and actions are rational! Ask me! I'll tell ya!

Characteristics of an enabler:
1. They like to avoid conflict at all costs

2. They appear happy but harbor deep resentment- they become "snappy" when it seeps out or they have a target or two that they safely unleash on (spouse or child)

3. They think they can solve the problems better

4. They "need" to be "needed"

5. Minimize situations

6. Believe they're a peace keeper

If you have one or more of these characteristics, you may be enabling somewhere in your life.

Take a moment to reflect and envision. Could my "support" be holding them back from reaching their deserved potential? Would their life (and mine) be better if they were doing these things for themselves?

MAKING THE CHANGE:

To change the pattern, you need a plan. It always gets worse before it gets better. Find someone to talk out a reasonable timeline and plan of action before you draw your sword! Sit down with the person (formally) and give them words of encouragement and faith as you tell them why things need to change. Express your faith in their abilities to do for themselves and express your love for them. Show them the plan and timeline. Give them enough room to make the changes they need to do for themselves within the timeline. Get yourself an accountability partner to help support YOU during the follow through phase (it will be hard, they won't believe you because you have probably threatened them before). This time it should look different and BE different.

THESE WILL BE THE RESULTS IF WE DON'T MAKE THE CHANGE:
We keep those around us sicker.... and we remain sick ourselves with resentment. Some of us may not be resentful. We simply just don't realize we could be watching our loved ones achieve more success. Everyone could be enjoying a fuller life!

Please click the "like heart" below to let me know if this is helpful and the LIKE on Facebook to allow others to see it in their newsfeed. SHARE to empower others with TRUTH about enabling.

Details on the upcoming "SHACK" gathering at the lake will be in your email this Wednesday if you are subscribed! This small gathering is meant for those looking for inspiration, motivation, heightened energy and support to create the change you need to live a purposeful life NOW.

Consider yourself supported and empowered to make change,

Cindy Walter