Can I make him change? Yes you can, but it's not how you think!
If you're tired of someone else's behavior, be it a spouse, friend, child, co-worker or anyone, there is only one way to make them change! What doesn't work is threatening what you will do if they don't make the change. Sadly, that is usually our "go to" action. That should be enough if they love us right? Wrong.
The answer is change yourself. Dang, not what we want to do right? But....I'm not the one who is causing this (or am I)? Why should I have to change? Because it's the only way to make real change occur and because we ARE a part of the problem by being involved in the cycle of behavior.
Case in point: A friend of mine is sick and tired of the way her daughter behaves when they get together with family. She ends up embarrassed, emotional, and desperately trying to clean up the damage and save face. The next day, she is not speaking to her daughter, the daughter starts "acting good," they argue about it, the mom threatens her. Eventually the emotions calm down, things "feel" better, time heals on the surface, life goes on, another family event (or the daughter has friends over) is planned and the cycle repeats itself, only the threats get louder and more serious.
Does this sound familiar? Somewhere in your life, you ARE in this cycle. You may be trying to get your kids to pick up their toys, a spouse to be a better partner, a teenager to stop eating all the food in the house or it could be serious (although kids eating us out of house and home is serious to me right now). The process is the same. The cycle is there somewhere be it simple or more damaging. It emerges somewhere. So now what?
If they would just do what I say, everything would be better. Yes, I know but it simply doesn't work. NICE TRY though!
It's like standing in front of a tree and saying "change..... or I will cut you down!" You can calm down and wait but nothing will change. Your frustration will grow. The only way to get the tree to change is to change the climate around the tree. The action of the climate change will morph the tree naturally. Something will happen. The leaves will fall off, change color or blossom. Something will happen when the climate changes.
Answer: For every ACTION, there is a REACTION. If the environment continues to be the same, your result will be exactly the same.The action you choose needs to focus on yourself. An action that truly helps you with no expectations as to how they will respond (you can have hope though).
Solution for Case in Point: What if this friend breaks the cycle by deciding not to focus on the actions of her daughter at all but only on hers? If she takes a different action, there WILL be a reaction of some kind. She could set new rules for herself and follow them.
The results could be anything? Things could get worse before they get better. Her social actions could get worse without her "control" over it. Or, perhaps she will self regulate better since all consequences are her own and she doesn't enjoy the new rules. Either way, the TRUTH of the situation will surface. Things will at the very least be different and you will be out of the cycle. You will no longer be enslaved to failed attempts to control their behavior. Being free from and letting go of the mental imprisonment is the most important change that's needed to acquire peace.
Don't focus on the end result you want from them. Focus on your contributing actions now. Figure out what your role is in the problem. We always have one. Our role is the ONLY thing we can control.
How to break the cycle and move towards change and truth:
- Decide what you want to CHANGE and let go of what the result will be
- Choose ACTIONS of your own that you are going to change
- Let go of what the results will be and commit to change in order to reveal signs of TRUTH
- Focus on yourself and if your new ACTION steps are giving you peace
- Give it commitment and time to see what the REACTIONS will be
(Implementing ACTION to result in a REACTION is the only change you can "make" happen)
Don't make any life changing decisions until you have taken some ACTION.
I would love to hear your experience or ideas on this subject. What cycle are you in that you are ready to change? Share your thoughts, insight or ideas below! I can't wait to hear from you. If you know someone who is stuck in a cycle and needs to take new action, PLEASE SHARE this.
Consider yourself charged for new action!
Cindy Walter
