Courage to SHOW UP!

Showing up for someone who is in pain is a courageous act.  Have you ever looked into the eyes of the suffering soul? Most likely if the suffering is intense enough, they can't even allow you to look. You get the fast glance away from the suffering soul. Often our response is to look the other way. It's easier to pretend we never saw them. Eye contact becomes the fear of the hurting person. They are afraid to be seen.  I can't tell you the countless times I have run from someone suffering. I come up with so many excuses. I'm great at it. Here are just a few: "I don't want to make them uncomfortable." "They have so many others they would rather see."  "I want to give them space."  "My toe hurts." If I can think of it, I have used it. I have cowered away from the discomfort of seeing someone in pain. The excuses do not work anymore once you have been on the dark side of pain.

On the worst, worst, worst, day of my life thus far, I had people "show up". I'm sure they didn't wake up that morning wanting to absorb pain from another. They did it anyway. When I was the closest to the death of my soul as I have been, I was surrounded by a few friends who just sat with me and absorbed my pain, taking some of the burden off me. At that time, I thought I had lost everything. I was in deep, deep shame. One friend had no words (only tissues and a bucket to hold for me), another was planting seeds of hope that didn't begin to sprout until much later. The gift of yet another was to clean my house and entertain my children, and one was searching through Jimmy Kimmel clips on her iphone while laying next to me, as a desperate attempt to see me smile and distract me from the pain (her last resort effort). My God, I love that girl. Others gathered downstairs just wishing they could offer a hug but they were rejected and blocked by my shame. They kept coming back.  More brought fruit and cheese (that's funny to me now but was actually helpful at the time). When life throws you a curve ball, in the midst of catching it, we still somehow worry about our children eating enough fruit. I chuckle sometimes now, as I remember. It may be the only thing I chuckle about today from that memory (Jimmy Kimmel and fruit platters). Others "showed up" in countless ways.

I had people who barely knew me who could have CHOSE to condemn and criticize me but instead were sending me hope and love. WHAT???? I didn't deserve that. I couldn't even "show up" for myself. Two and a half years later I am only now starting to find a voice.

IT TAKES NO COURAGE whatsoever, TO CRITICIZE AND CONDEMM another person. It takes courage and strength to empathize, love and be present for the sufferer.

"Showing up" came in many forms:  prayer, messages, ham, fruit platters, cards, quotes, sharing stories, bracelets, notes, books, unanswered messages. I recognize the ways people had the COURAGE to show up. I cherish each one equally.  During the midst of pain, you may not be able to receive the love that knocks on your door because the shame is blocking its entry. In time, as a sufferer sifts through the pain, it is all received and becomes the gateway to self love again. These aren't people who knew my exact pain. These are people with the courage to confront pain and chip away at it in an effort to expand love. I stand in emotional awe as I embrace the grace so freely given. Have I always given that same grace?

Those who have fallen down in one form or another, tend to be the ones who know the importance of showing up. They know it increases the speed towards healing. They know how it brings light to the dark prison of shame. I have those in my life today that showed up. When I see them I don't even think of the past, I'm totally in the present (a really good present). For those who didn't show up (or I'm uncertain if they did) or for that matter, that I have avoided, I still fear facing you (I'm still in shame). It's still a dark spot in my heart and I carry the past, in fear of the moment I have to face you. I now know, how all the times that I have missed an opportunity to show up has lengthened the pain of another. This could simply be showing up at calling hours, sending a note of encouragement, anything to help advance the release of painful "wondering", wondering what you think. Do you see me different now? Somehow damaged? I'm still here. I'm still me. The wonder is terrifying. It holds us imprisoned in shame.

Now, I'm all for not blaming others. If I have "wonder" that is scary, its my problem to face. I own it. At some point it's on me to bring light to the shame and release myself from the pain. I have to find the courage within me. However, there are certain pains that another human can't take on at certain times without the help of love from his fellow humans. It's amazing how even a smile can help release wonder and shame. The smile says "I'm happy to see you, I care, I don't pity you." A genuine smile or approach can say, "I still respect you." It is a needed gift to receive.

Please believe me when I say, this is not about who showed up and didn't show up in my scenario. More people showed up than I could have dreamed would offer love. Many people showed up with good thoughts and prayer that I will never be able to recognize them for it, however I felt it. I felt carried. This is about challenging myself and you to have the courage to love, the strength to "show up" and have mercy for any and all pain. Pain is pain. Shame is often embedded in pain. We can unburden others from some pain if we "show up." 

I have looked into the eyes of a mother grieving her small child. I looked into the depth of her pain and I tell you with certainty that the community "showing up" when she couldn't give or receive the love is what has carried her. It still carries her. She still needs people to not pretend she is okay when she is not. She needs others to recognize when normal things are anguish for her. Acknowledging it, is what brings light to her pain. Ignoring it, is what deepens it. We make excuses though. We lack courage. We think "pretending"saves her from the pain. It doesn't. Some pain requires that we continue to show up for a lifetime. It is our human duty.

Many of us believe that if we bring up the name of a loved one to the grieving after they have passed, it will trigger the pain. We are wrong. The pain is bigger when it is unexpressed or avoided. The fear that no one remembers is crushing. When we bring love and recognition to the pain, you may see the tears but the griever feels relief, safer and not alone in the suffering.

Pain is pain. Pain can be a lost dream, a breakup, a divorce, worry, illness, loneliness, depression, loss of independence for elderly, grief, setbacks, financial struggle, failures of any kind (A wrinkle on their face crying out loud! I don't care, pain is pain) Hmmmm.... pharmaceutical ad?). Pain is universal. Everyone experiences it. Think of how easy it is for us to show up for a child in pain. They may just be missing mommy and we show up with a hug, a few words of encouragement. We are all still that child inside. We just need people who are courageous enough to show up. We all know someone in pain today!

Activity: Read this paragraph and give it a try: Take action and make it a habit.

Close your eyes and get still. It takes a few minutes to allow your mind and thoughts to focus. Picture someone who has eased your pain. Sit with it for a few minutes (the feelings, the gratitude and send them good thoughts) Ask God to use you and your gifts to release another from some pain. Sit with this thought until it comes to you....... Open your eyes. Take action. Write a note, place the call, say a prayer, listen, send them a Jimmy Kimmel clip (ha) or make the damn ham. Whatever it is, do it now.

Remember when you look people in the eye and offer love to them, you are releasing a strangers pain. I promise. I have felt safe in that single moment often and I feel compelled to give it back. Courage to show up will ease someone's pain and will decrease their love blocker.

*And if it is you, the reader, who is in pain, your healing comes when you can be seen and shed light on the shame or pain. I suggest reading Brene Brown's books. You are still breathing, you have purpose. Let the love in. I'm here for you. Send me an email. Just sharing your story with someone, anyone will release a bit of the shame.

I welcome comments and would be thrilled if you would share this. Someone may need to hear it.