4 Steps to LOVE Anyone...

The Ladder of Love: How to love anyone. YES, anyone and everyone.

We all know people we just can’t connect with? (The LOVE BLOCKER here is judgement) We make the assumption that if we cant connect with them, we can't have genuine love for them. Wrong. Have you ever looked at someone with total wonder as to where their point of view is coming from? We simply don’t understand them. These feelings are common for most of us. Guess what? The problem is in us (you may see this as a common theme in this blog), not them. Making the decision to walk the ladder of love can change you forever. Following these steps will transform your connection to others and undam your love for them. Your life will be richer and happier because of it.

When I was struggling one day to separate "the person" from their unrelatable point of view, my dad shared this story with me.

“Honey, when I was one of the lead engineers at Kodak, I had to work with another engineer that had a completely opposing vision and ideas than I had. I hated working with him and I just couldn’t understand how he got to where he was (both position and mindset). That is when I decided to seek to understand him and how he came to be who and where he was. As I began to really understand him, I gained a certain amount of respect for him. Soon I began to feel reverence (deep respect/admiration) towards him. Over time, he and his opposing views became invaluable to me and I loved him (wishing nothing but good things for him and empathizing with him). He became my trusted friend. He challenged my thinking and opened up my understanding of many things. If you walk the ladder of love, you can learn to love anyone.”

I put his theory to the test in many types of situations. It worked and it still works today.  Young children need the direct modeling of this as well. The other day I was talking to a friend of ours. He was disgusted in an old acquaintance he ran into at the gas station.  Nick was once on his wrestling team in high school. This boy was a focused, healthy, fit, strong athlete. He was heading to college on a scholarship with big aspirations. Three years later when our friend ran into him, he was lanky, scruffy, and putting three dollars of gas in his car. Nick was unrecognizable and obviously on drugs. He had dropped out of school, was back home and not working.

As our friend shared his disgust for the circumstances, he took the position of "well that's his choice, he's a loser now." I told him that was way too easy of a position to take. I said pause and take step one on the ladder of love (Me giggling and him looking at me like here we go). Let's try to understand what happened with him. He went off to college. While he was gone, his mom packed up to be with someone else out of state, leaving his dad alone. His sister was facing legal trouble and Nick was the only one left to be concerned about the emotional well being of his dad. Previous to this, his family was a unit. He's at college where drugs are readily available and he tried some one Friday night. He received much needed instant relief for the pain and so he went back for more. No one starts out experimenting with drugs with the intention to let the drugs start "doing you" and ruin your life. It happens like being hit by a truck. You don't even know what happened. I don't ask myself why he is the way he is? I ask myself why wouldn't he be? He needs help. I went on to ask our friend what he saw when he looked in his eyes? He said, "I saw Nick, but he was hollow and sad."

As soon as you seek to understand, compassion floods in. I could visually watch the softening of our friend. Soon he was brainstorming ways to offer help. He made it to love really quick in this scenario. Sometimes it takes a lot longer. It's the regular practice of it and the commitment to teach our family members to do this, that becomes life changing. You are now at peace with and have no anger towards others (judgement blocker gone). In general, you just learn to love people with vast differences and enrich your own life (this works with politics, criminals, undesirable personality traits, anything). Do we all slip back in practice? Yes, but we are still on course if we redirect and try again.

* This case scenario is on the easy side to walk the ladder of love. I will write about more examples with tougher scenarios in the near future.

When struggling to connect with another human being, its shallow to conclude that they are just a "bad" person. It is important to separate the person from the behaviors, ideas, or views that baffle you. Challenge yourself to walk the ladder of love, therefore enriching your own life and theirs. We actually need opposing views to grow ourselves.

Ladder Rung 1:   Seek to UNDERSTAND this person

Ladder Rung 2:  Gain RESPECT for how they arrived where they are (mindset, opinion, values...)

Ladder Rung 3:   Deepen the Respect to a level of REVERENCE for another who may even oppose your beliefs and values

Ladder Rung 4:   It morphs into a natural LOVE for a person who may become invaluable to you!

The hardest step to take is the first rung on the ladder. If we can't love another person, We haven't done our work. Yes, the old adage, if you point at another person, there are three fingers pointing back at you. Those are the only fingers that count! First of all, it is easier to write a person off than it is to try to understand them. That willingness in itself is the hardest part. After the willingness, you need to ask yourself questions that allow you to be open. What is their background, upbringing, journey? How did they come to believe or act the way they do? Could that have been my journey? Would I be doing or thinking the same thing? Could their opinions add value or represent many people?

Have you had any experience with this concept? Can you challenge us to help you walk the ladder of love with a story? Does this process challenge your thinking? Can you share any stories where you have already walked the ladder of love and it enriched your life somehow? PLEASE share and help us GROW!

Any and all comments are deeply appreciated! Even a thumbs up or an opposing view.

Consider yourself loved,

Cindy Walter