How to Self Love, Bear Fruit, Connect!
What is self love? I always believed that "loving yourself" sounded so self centered. I have now learned that the opposite is true. I recently text messaged a friend, "Do you love yourself?" It felt so cringe worthy to me that I was rolling in twisted laughter just waiting for a response. Her, not knowing what kind of test I was giving her or what I was up to (as I knew it would be an uncomfortable question for her as well) tried to craft a response saying that she did but followed with a "justification" that minimized it. She quickly called me to get to the bottom of the inquiry (and ease her discomfort). That led us into a conversation about what the heck that widely used term means and how we were raised in a era where the term "loving yourself" meant the world revolved around YOU! Our parents wanted us to always think outside of ourselves. Although writing the words or saying them still seems strange to me. Changing the words "love yourself" to "self care" helped me learn that when you practice the concepts below, you have more love to give others. In turn, you don't ever have to try loving yourself because it happens naturally. When you love others, you are actually giving love back to yourself because we are all truly one, connected. When you hurt another soul, you damage yourself, when you take action to love another soul, you get that love back. When you're laying under the bus (self concern about your circumstances), your head is in the sand (denial), the covers are over your head (consumed in self pity) or you spend your time "up in your head" (thinking about your own problems excessively), you are not doing self care. I have found myself having a visceral response to the words "self love." I was so wrong. Framing the term differently changed everything!
The process simplified is:
Self Care = More Love to Give (fruit) = Natural Self Love (it just return to you) = More Joy!
Self love/care is like making sure a fruit tree is planted in good soil, is watered properly and is well pruned. The care that is put into the tree, determines the quality of fruit that is produces, if any at all! An uncared for fruit tree will in time end up either barely surviving and fruitless or dead. What good is it then?
Your Soil: It is said that you are only the average of the five people you spend the most time with. Are you spending the most time with those who you want to be like? Those who challenge and lift up your thinking? Are you grounding yourself in reading materials (or other information input) that help you see life more clearly? Is there one book that grounds your thinking and centers you? What is the latest source of information that you spent time with? Did it challenge you to do or think better? What is the latest deep conversation you had? This is your soil.
Your Roots: Your roots drink from the soil you are planted in. This is the source of your vitality. Are you feeding yourself nutritious food? Are you getting enough rest? Do you exercise regularly? How well are you taking care of the veins that helps you produce? What you put in affects you. Do you need to ground yourself in some health related reading material, discussion groups, blogs, podcasts or videos to challenge your knowledge? Try to answer these questions genuinely to assure yourself that your roots are supporting your trunk and are planted in the right soil. You may need a total uproot, a small shift or to just add a little more water!
Your Trunk: Your soil and roots have an immediate and direct affect on the stability of your trunk. It is a direct link to your strength, confidence and connection to who you really are. Are you strong or barely standing? Are you getting the nutrition you need that feeds who you are inside. Do these roots perk you up or wilt you?
Your Branches: The trunk allows your branches to spread far and wide. The healthier the trunk, the farther reaching your branches can be. The more you prune your branches, the healthier they are. When you are healthy and planted in the right soil, and are feed the right nutrition, you can connect with others. You are able to reach out, be a strong source, give off oxygen, and contribute to a healthy environment. You stand beautiful and unique!
The Fruit: Self care leads to loving others which in turn leads to self love. Loving others and finding the good in them brings out more good in them. When you help them, you are helping yourself. We are ALL connected. We are ONE. Damage others, damage yourself. Disconnect from others, disconnect from yourself. Mistrust others, they'll mistrust you (and question your true intentions). Portray an image of perfection, others will not be vulnerable and real with you. Bring out the best in others, bring out the best in yourself. Give to others, you give true love to yourself. Whatever you give as your fruit, you eat! If you produce rotten fruit, you just ate rotten fruit. If you have no fruit, you are suffering without love (essentially starved). We could be blocking our own love. We could be enhancing our own love.
Life confirms this ALL THE TIME: If I yell at the kids, they yell back. I look for the best in others, they look for the best in me (or the worst) If I let people off the hook, they let me off the hook. If you are cheap, you'll make people want to charge you more. When you are generous, they give back and do amazing work. If you isolate yourself, soon others will isolate you. If you simply smile, others notice you and smile back. I could tell you about countless times that simple eye contact and a smile then leads to a small conversation which sometimes leads to a connection or information that was exactly what I needed at the moment or I am able to give them the help or information they needed. These small miracles happen all the time. It is the best feeling in the world. When you're connected you feel love.
What are you giving to fellow humans you don't even know, your close ones, your greater family, your friends or your community? Whatever it is, you are probably getting that right back. Check your soil, roots, trunk, branches and fruit. Change what you produce and the return will be self love. The only way to return love to yourself is to give it away! Yes, it's the boomerang affect.
Activity:
1. Write down the names of the 5 people you spend the most time with? Is this good soil for you? If it is! You're on the right track. If not, what changes can you make?
2. Where are you getting your source of mental input? Is this helping you grow? If not, commit to one small change! Write it down.
3. Do you feel strong and confident? If not, go back and examine what's coming in through your roots! Write down an area to make small changes in.
4. In what way are you reaching others? Are your branches wide reaching or wrapped around yourself? Commit to doing one thing for someone today with no expectations of return (not even credit).
5. Identify what you may be giving out to others and notice if it is coming back to you! What is it? Try an experiment to "give out" something else (In an area you want to improve) and see if comes back to you! Try it for just one week! Celebrate small changes. Acknowledge the good fruit you put out too! Share with us what happened!
Self care = More to give to others = Self Love! We are not separate!
We all have areas where we do well and areas to improve upon. Celebrate the good, identify the improvable areas and be the change that comes back to you! Self care leads to good fruit which in turn leads to self love without trying. You can not love yourself as you were created to without loving others. Do you know someone who needs help loving others and therefore themselves? If so, please share this post. Have you struggled with self love as I have? Please comment!
Love and be loved,
Cindy Walter
